The next day, the vet called and said that Teh Dawg's liver enzymes were elevated--not so high that we should be immediately concerned. "Take her off the Rimadyl, and bring her back in a couple of months," the vet said. By the weekend, though, Teh Dawg wouldn't eat at all. She barely barked at the mailman and pretty much ignored the other dogs in the neighborhood. It was becoming clear that she was ill.
But--she had just had her vaccines. That could make her lethargic and earpy. And she had just started glucosamine. I guessed that may also hurt her tummy a bit. And it's been hot--I've been lethargic recently, too. ana and I decided that a call to the vet needed to be made, though, just to make sure that we weren't overlooking something serious. So Monday. A different vet (same practice). More history given. "I'm not too concerned," the vet said. Vaccines, yada, yada. "Watch her a few days, and if she doesn't get better, we'll get her in." This vet was a bit more concerned about the liver enzymes. "We might need to do an ultrasound on her liver." Um, yikes.
I spent most of the week with a knot in my tummy. This is my Dawg. She has given me unconditional love when I've needed it most. We've driven each other crazy. She's followed me to different cities (and a different state). She's cared for my cats and fallen in love with ana. She has been infinitely patient with me and my ineptness as a Dawg-mom. She has done her best to make my life better. And something was wrong. All she did was follow me and ana from room to room, lying down heavily and panting in the heat.
Today. She's still not eating. Well, except for the canned catfood I gave her yesterday out of desperation. Yesterday afternoon, I made plans to call the vet this morning. And, tummy squirming--I'm not used to asking for help--I asked ana to go with me to the vet. I was scared, and one thing ana keeps reminding me is that we don't have to do the hard stuff alone anymore. "Sure," ana said. I bent down to skritch Teh Dawg's belly to hide my worry. There was a hard knot in her abdomen, and my own stomach twisted with still more worry.
I called the vet again this morning and made arrangements to have her examined first thing. Teh Dawg did wag her nub of a tail at the other animals in the vet's office and acted a bit more interested in her surroundings, but she was still feeling poorly. The vet believed her spleen was enlarged and wanted to make some x-rays and do some blood work to add to the stuff the other vet did last week. They'd call us as soon as they were finished.
ana went on to work, after some discussion of whether I'd need the car. I didn't think they'd be finished before late afternoon, so I assured ana I'd be ok. Before ana even got to Cambridge, though (about 30 minutes), the vet had called back. Seriously enlarged spleen and liver. Anemia. Worrisome. Could be hemolytic anemia, could be liver disease. We'd need to get an ultrasound at an ultrasound clinic in Salem, MA--too far for Sadie and I to even take a cab. I called ana's cell phone, for some reason, even though it rarely gets answered. Finally got in touch with ana, who pretty much turned around from work and came home again.
The vet told us that Teh Dawg is very sick. It would probably be a good idea to have her hospitalized (at the cost of several thousand dollars--eep). They could do the ultrasound at a hospital, blood transfusions, etc. The vet was leaning toward the hemolytic anemia diagnosis. I picked the middle road, though, after some tears. Ultrasound at the clinic in Salem; make a decision from there.
Ultrasound vet took a look at the liver (three times normal size) and the spleen and made a preliminary diagnosis: lymphoma. My Dawg has cancer. This, after dealing with my mom's cancer. Fuck. It's just not fair.
We took Teh Dawg back to the vet to talk over our options. He was in surgery, so we made an appointment to go back at 4. He suggested that he aspirate one of her enlarged lymph nodes to try to get a definitive diagnosis. Unlike ultrasound vet, he didn't recommend lots of biopsies and staging--the treatment would likely be the same, our vet said. He also recommended that if we were inclined to do chemotherapy, that we begin it immediately. "She's a very sick dog," he reminded us.
So we did. And we are. It'll cost us a couple of thousand over the next year. And she'll likely not live beyond a year. Chemotherapy for dogs and the chemo my mom is going through are quite different, it seems. That for dogs has fewer side effects and will not only lengthen her life but improve her quality of life. Dogs typically start to feel better pretty quickly, the vet said.
Even so, this diagnosis means that Teh Dawg is going to be in and out of the vet's office, getting stuck with needles. She'll need more expensive food, in addition to lots and lots of meds. I'm not sure we're making the right decision. I don't want to be selfish--I don't want to keep her alive just for the sake of being alive. I don't want her to suffer. Of course, there's a big part of me that doesn't want to let her go, either. I don't know what the right answer is. And my head hurts, and I'm sad. But ana is helping with all of that. Helping me to make decisions that make sense. Holding me while I cry. Reminding me that Teh Dawg is loved by both of us.
I really don't have to do the hard stuff alone. That's the only thing that makes any of this better. That, and remembering stuff like this:
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